It's getting closer. I am doing and saying all the things I know need to be done and said, but I am scared. Petrified, actually.
I know I am so damn lucky to live in a place and be in a profession that has covid vaccines available. My partner just got his second one this week, and my dad got his first. Oh goodness, to be able to be with my parents again. It will be a sweet dream come true.
But I don't want it.
No, I'm not an anti-vaxxer. My kids are all up to date and I got a tetanus shot two years ago (you can find that fun video story in my FB history). I believe in the miracles of modern science (in addition to the spiritual science of all things!).
But I just don't want it in me. No shots. No medicines.
I get migraines that last three days and I'm only willing to take Tylenol.
I barely take my multivitamin, not because I don't remember, but because I pretend to forget.
Phobias, OCD, anxiety--whatever you want to call it. My mind swirls with refusals and fear.
Now I know, and trust, and have faith that it's all gonna be okay. Seriously, I do. And that's the only reason why when the time comes, I'll get the first shot. And the second one.
But I really don't want to. Nope, I sure don't.
With anxiety the decision always has to come down to a risk/benefit analysis. My doc would always say to me, when talking about my fear of heights, "If your child was bleeding on the other side of that bridge, you'd cross it without thinking." Gratefully, my children are safe. But the bridge doesn't change, it's the same whether or not something is pulling me across it. And the likelihood of me falling off it to my death is pretty slim. (Oh the joys of an active imagination...)
And so it goes, with every brave step on any given day.
Do I take the pill or suffer?
Do I cross the bridge or be alone?
Do I take the shot and hug my parents again, or remain isolated and afraid?
I got my first dose. I was scared, but I breathed through it and focused on gratitude for the miracles of modern medicine and for the amazing immune machine my body is. Grateful for the symbiotic relationship of science and spirit. Trust.